So much death this year

I swear all of the people who truly see me are dying,

And I mean literally, they’re dead.

And tears run down my cheeks but I’m not sure why I’m crying;

But its 2 death 0 me on the last thing I said.

My final words to the last two were me bitching about my kidney stone..

I hear my alter in my head sarcastically asking me “but did you die? No they did and now you’re all alone.”

I miss my great grandmother,

Cause God it’s hard to be a light in the dark,

Hard to love with all this hate it’s gasoline and I’m a spark..

I already feel burnt up,

So burnt out,

And reality is setting in,

Outside I just look normal, but inside I’m so broken,

my mutated muscles hiding so well beneath my skin.

I was maybe eight the first time I dislocated my shoulder,

And mom always told me if I kept sitting like that I would regret it when I got older,

When I was young it just made me laugh,

Now as an adult I just grow even colder.

No cure.

They’re not the words I wanted to hear,

But all the research I’d done couldn’t have been more clear,

My diagnoses now confirm my biggest fear.

“When it gets bad, we’ll do something about it”

My rheumatologist was a liar,

Just like my allergist might be fired,

Because,

“The good news is you dont have allergies you have mast disease and mast cell is easily manageable with OTC meds and high doses of antihistamines”

Do you even know what “easily manageable” means?

It means no more shampoo, no more creams,

forget about makeup,

you don’t have to give up; you’ll just need to change your dreams.

It means not going out, it means forgetting the shower.

Rescheduling plans hoping you’ll feel better in another hour.

It means no more cooking cause I can’t stand at the stove,

Just one more on the list of things I can’t do that I used to love.

What kind of quality of life is this? How is this symptom management?

I can barely even feed myself, I can’t make money and all mines been spent.

Help; help; I need an adult,

I don’t know how to handle this I’m sorry it is not my fault.

I miss my great grandma..

Cause now it’s hard to see the light in the dark..

Written and owned by d3licate

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Fuck it just ride with it

One of these days I’m not going to come home,

When my heart freezes enough I won’t feel guilty for leaving you alone.

I fucking love you, not that you’d take the time to read this poem,

When I leave the house you can’t even bother to pick up the phone.

Your pain is killing you, you’ve grown so goddamn cold.

So many broken promises, yet I cannot break your hold.

I cannot stay here but I don’t know what to do,

So terrified you’ll hurt yourself and I can’t help that I love you.

Written and owned by d3licate

Photogenicsover-rated

I am consistently underestimated,


It’s why I wasted years on trying to get faded.


Consistently emasculated.


Photogenic is overrated.


Because society says I can’t tell a boy he’s not a man,


And I’m not a woman because I don’t have a tan.


My body rated one to ten,


My reflections purpose appeasing men.


These boys didn’t give me a chance to develop,


They didn’t care who the girl they rated was the shell of.


This emptiness I let it dictate.


To be used, abused and broken my “fate”.


I wonder did they know what was buried within,


That from a coal can come a diamond?


Don’t take my kindness for weakness,


Because it was just the bad I had to repress.


It doesn’t mean I don’t remember what I learned.


It doesn’t mean I don’t stand by the truths I discerned.


Every guy I’ve cared for thinks that they were better,


But they were never the best suitor.


They didn’t win because of what they had,


Or because they thought they were better at pretending they weren’t sad.


I didn’t choose them because they looked the best,


In fact all of these boys they failed my test.


In fact they didn’t even try,


If they’d told the truth I would have asked them to lie.


I wasn’t ready for the person I’d become,


So I didn’t mind making myself dumb.


I felt it all, and it made me numb.


I know they thought that I was weak,


I wasn’t “strange” I was just unique.


They may have picked me for my apparent weakness,


I could have told them the truth but I digress.


I’ve learned my importance isn’t defined by my journeys length.


The truth is, in my weakness I find my strength.


I am not weak because they had the power,


I was never weak, it was just not my finest hour.


I’d been persuaded I was destined for a path that many sought.


Told I was doing right even though I was not.


Because society told me pretty lies,


And I refused to read between the lines.


My truth is not for all to hear,


My future is set though it’s not always clear.


My love is unconditional,
I am monogamous but untraditional.


Because they take my test but just keep failing,


I choose the west but it’s not smooth sailing.


It takes building yourself up, and tearing yourself down.


You have to accept your fate, inhale the water so you drown.


Truth is you don’t only live once,


Dying is a reoccurrence.


So you can see where you went wrong,


A single life is not that long.


I suffocated when I was nineteen,


When I awoke I understood fuck your grass being green.


For when a single ant bite can end your existence,


You have to learn the art of persistence.


Because every day could be your last,


A life you’d taken for granted had already passed.


You cant lay in the grass face to the sun,


Saying no to things that used to be fun.


But i had to learn not everything’s worth dying for,


I know I had cancer but I found the cure.


No one believes that I faced off with death,


Felt myself dying with every breathe.


But I know I made the choice,


I said NO and found my voice.


My life was not my own to give,


The cancer died when I chose to live.


The third time I died I swallowed pills,


Tired of contemplating the drop from window sills.


Because I put my faith where it didn’t belong,


And since I wasn’t enough i couldn’t go on
Six feet under I dug my own pit,


Never tried to find a way to fix it.


Redundancy became my friend,


I couldn’t find the strength so again I chose the end.


This time I swallowed more than enough,
Hoping but certain I wouldn’t wake up.


“God I know this is a sin,
But he stole my pure, and he burned my skin.”


“ God I fell into the lions den,
I lost faith in you, put my faith in men.”


Perhaps I died going down those stairs,


The memory raises goosebumps, it tickles little hairs.


That a human is capable of terrible acts,


I learned the horror stories were actually facts.


But forty six flexerol, countless Xanax made me drop.


I died because I wasn’t strong and I wanted it to stop.


This death taught me, I was wrong I am never alone,
That when I’m with god I’m always home.


And all the love i tried to deny,


The life I had lived was all a lie.


Many people think they know me,


But I will be only what they want to see.


And they will never know what I know,


I cannot make change, just water flowers and watch them grow.


I thought that a martyr sacrificed,


And I rescind the lies I typed.


It doesn’t mean you let yourself go,


But there isn’t any shame in letting your scars show.


I died to forget the lies I had been told,


I had to die to break the mold.


In my weakness, I have grown strong,


And others perception of me is very wrong,


I am not perfect, I will make a mistake,


But I promise I see through the fake.


I know what is fake and what is real,


I know what it means to really feel.


I do not judge your misconception,


But don’t mistrust my predilection.


You do not know who I will be,


I see others but they don’t see me.

Written and owned by d3licate

Well fuck

I haven’t done much writing lately,

I’ve gotten pretty good at going ghost,

My boyfriends insinuating that I’m just lazy,

It’s made the anger start to simmer and I’m beginning to roast.

It’s somewhat all my own fault, my face is always stuck in my phone,

But lately when I need someone I find myself completely alone.

How many nights will I spend staring at cigarette butts and that stupid fucking empty bowl?

Cause I’ve been so goddamn depressed feels like I mightve finally crippled my soul,

Alex you realized a long time ago your addiction to nicotine, the narcissist and shit won’t fill the gaping hole..

your plan backfired alex; this is out of control..

How many nights?

How many nights will you toss and turn until the motion makes you physically sick,

You know all these answers so why won’t they stick,

You knew your life wouldn’t be easy alex, they told you death wouldn’t come quick..

I feel so trapped, and I don’t know what to do,

You’ve always known how you could change it, you couldn’t stop but at least you knew..

This predicament has got me completely forlorn,

And I feel my cries for help are lately only met by scorn,

Fuck..

I think I got myself trapped.

Written and owned by d3licate

Two years.

Two years;
          

It’s going on almost two years now since I finally got sober.

Yet it still hangs over my head like a thundercloud and I wonder will it ever be over?

Would you still have asked me where that needle went if I’d never let the needle own me?

Is it really still so easy to warp my picture once again into one of a junkie?

No one puts a needle in their arm because they love themselves,

No one puts a needle in their arm just cause they love getting high,

I proved myself wrong when I put the needle down,

I did some serious growing from then until now..

But when the question leaves your mouth

“What happened to the needle that was in this box?”

Wow.

You must really think I’m dumb as rocks.

I can buy a pack of ten for a dollar at the Walmart neighborhood market pharmacy.

They wouldn’t ask me any questions it’s been two years but they may even still recognize me.

Why would I steal your mom’s autoinjector from your fridge.

I’m so disappointed I’m pouring gasoline and preparing to burn this bridge.

In my life I haven’t accomplished anything that I set out too,

But when I put down the needle I did something I didn’t think I could ever truly do.

And no one can take that away from me;

Especially not you.

Written and owned by d3licate

Hypocrite

They say the people we dislike the most, are usually the ones we most resemble.

It’s easier to act like you’re better and call them annoying; then it is to look in the mirror.

Projection;

Something everyone sees that you do.

Well that is everyone but yourself when the one projecting is you..

You think you made me, but you didn’t help me not one bit.

Well, not to be a hypocrite, you might’ve helped a little bit..

But I’ve managed this light all on my own,

I kept taking life’s punches hit after hit.

beaten and bloody from the hand I was shown.

Life’s still beating me.

Most days I just want it all to stop,

I beg myself not to get back up, knowing one blow and I’m just going to drop.

I tell myself I can’t do it, I can’t do this anymore.

Searching for a way out and I can’t find a door so I just stay on the floor.

I guess when you’re fighting life; you know you won’t be leaving with it.

“well life’s not fair” blah blah blah; it’s all bullshit.

Life’s hard, and it hurts and guess what none of us will survive.

It’s not really a fight you win, it’s not a fight you’ll leave alive.

But how many rounds can you go?

How many times will you climb back up on your feet?

and what made your fight worth it?

Did you show bravery as you faced your defeat?

We’re fucking stuck here. We didn’t choose to be alive,

and there’s no instruction manual nothing to teach us how to survive.

We’re not good students we’d rather fight the truth than to learn,

and though happiness should be a given its something a lot of us have to fight to earn.

you don’t listen.

it goes into one ear straight through than back out,

You don’t like not having the answers it fills you up with insecurities and doubt.

You’re growing bitter; the angers turning you cold, and no one likes a quitter but the fight is getting old.

“it’s hard to be a light in the dark” because you can’t ever let down your guard,

but when it seems the darks got you sputtering out is when you’ll realize staying lits not that hard.

Theyre the ones fighting to put you out, meanwhile light is just who you really are.

But you can keep fighting, if that’s what you want, and while you’re losing to life; death will be on the sidelines to taunt.

Broken bones they heal, and cuts will fade out to a scar.

and someday down the road you will not find them when you tell the story of why you are who you are.

You aren’t special because you think you’ve had it all so much worse.

Inside every humans a narcissist who swears “no you don’t get it my life’s actually the worst”.

You aren’t cursed. God didn’t special pick you out of the pack and say your life’s going to be pure torture while I cut all the rest a little slack.

We’ve all been through shit and we all have our pride,

We all carry secrets that we’ve buried inside.

But it doesn’t make us stronger cause we’ve been through harder things,

What’s important is how many times did you keep getting up? how many times did you dodge his swings?

But if you’re a fighter and you’re refusing to sit down and learn.

Then suck the bad shit the fuck up, cause you agreed to eating shit and rug burn.

Written and owned by d3licate

You are my infinity..

I’m terrified of falling,

but when I look in your eyes I see the universe,

and its billions of light years of untouched mass that sits waiting for the explosion that will form it into a star or planet.

Before you I was drowning in a black hole that destroyed everything it touched,

I destroyed everything I touched.

sucking it with me into the darkness I had become.

with all the possibilities of everything; yet I created nothing,

I was a sheer spot of nothing in the universe dragging infinite numbers of galaxies into my clutches and destroying them.

When I was 19 I thought I’d found love.

I didn’t know that just because the sun is beautiful you can’t get to close or you’ll burn.

I ruined love in my innocence and naivety,

I created a hole in my chest that I allowed no one to fill and it grew and it grew and I was so scared it was going to tear me apart.

I decided if I couldn’t have love I’d have nothing and I poured out my soul in an attempt to make room for the men I let into my life.

perhaps the problem is that we fall too quickly.

I lost myself in one after another, yet I felt that I’d never find what I was looking for.

heartbreak is a tricky thing and she tore apart the good in him leaving me with nothing.

like a star that finally comes into your vision only to fade when you can finally touch it and I was tired of being alone and scared,

I didn’t want to risk myself again content to suck everything in..

I met you and that was it, you left stars behind my eyelids when I looked at you, and with every kiss you pulled me from the corners of the universe.

And you are not my Sun.

Nor the dead star that still twinkles 23 billion light years away only to go out when it finally reaches me.

You are the unborn galaxies promising hope and life, sending beautiful pieces of matter to create something incredible,

and the only thing that burns is your face behind closed eyelids when I sleep.

I love the masterpiece that is you.

Planned for the sole purpose of ending the nothing that had taken me over.

I want to know every detail of you, read every scar like it’s the stars in the infinity that is time.

And know every secret desire you hide.

I will protect you from the black holes that will try to unmask you,

Because you are my infinity. 

Written and owned by d3licate

Nice to meet you.

I make you do things you don’t want to do,


I make you believe things that aren’t even true.


I twist and warp the words people say,


I make you believe there is no other way.


I force out a yes when you really mean no.


I take you to places you don’t want to go.


I whisper burden failure whore.
When it’s going well I close the door.


You look so dumb from the outside.


But I kidnapped you, took you for a ride.


Many nights you cannot sleep,
While i whisper to you that you’re cheap.


I lift your mood so you feel alright.


You don’t need food or to sleep at night.


Anxiety and I coincide.


Anxiety blurs the truth, but me, I lie.


I pulled a mask over your eyes.
My rose colored glasses will be your demise.


I also make you paranoid.
Good relationships destroyed.


I make you laugh,

I make you cry,


Don’t even bother asking me why.


I do what I want,
and you’re the one my decisions will haunt.


I use you as my game controller…


Its nice to meet you i’m bipolar.

Written and owned by d3licate

Throwback from some years ago

Sociopath, sociopath, where is your heart?


You used to be beautiful where did the the ugly start?


Angelic demon you take hope away,
You make them believe with the words that you say,


But as time goes on these words can’t be true,


You don’t follow through, you just say you don’t do,


Broken girl, broken girl, where is your heart?


The wolves and the vultures they tear you apart.


Pieces just pieces, strewn on the lawn,


Scattered and shredded left bleeding by dawn.


The light doesn’t stop them it just seems to hurt,


Broken fingernails grasping desperately at the dirt,


Dragging her baggage it weighs her down,


Keeping her flailing on the cold hard ground.


And her loved ones they leave her they can’t seem to watch,


Men always eager, to them she’s just one more notch.


And they brag and they brag like she’s some kind of win,


While she picks and she digs ripping holes in her skin.


Cause she hates herself, hates all them, hates who she is,


Hates that she betrays the man who truly wants to call her his.


So she runs from the love that she fought for before,


Begging god begging him for his love she wanted more.


Now she just watches as he walks out the door,


Leaving unspoken words in stale air, she’s a whore.


She couldn’t keep him, Couldnt accept the love he had chosen to give.


She had chosen to die, he’d decided to live.


And around her she watched they were dropping like flys,


Much like the tear drops that fall from her eyes.


Since he said he couldn’t trust her didn’t know truth from lies,


And with his words the last pieces of good in her dies.


See she held to the hope of the life they could’ve had.


Though she knew that the choices she made were all bad.


But she couldn’t seem to fight the hate, inside she was mad.


At who she didn’t know but underneath it all deep inside she was sad.


It was leaking like sewage, bubbling up through the drain,


Shooting up poison, the needle leaves it’s ugly stain.


Begs for forgiveness but can’t stop the sin.


God please I beg you please just let me in.


Cause God I can’t breathe my chest it feels so damn tight.


And somewhere back there i lost my will to fight.


God can we talk i can’t live through the pain.


My head is so twisted up, I’m lost, I’m insane.


I need help, someone help.

Everyone seems to go,


Destruction my go too it’s all that I know.


These marks on my arms, my cracks starting to show.


Im sinking im sinking, never gotten so low.


Empty shell empty shell, sinking below..


Who I was, who I am, where did you go?

Written and owned by d3licate

What did you do?

As I cry myself to sleep..


The question”why” keeps me awake…


Why’d I give in,
Why’d I break?


When it was freely given, why’d they take..?


And then I try to ask God “how”?


How’d I get from there to now?


But why bother asking when I already know?


Because “FUCK I just wanted to have something to show!”.


Something to show for the pain I endured,


Something to make it just a little less hard,


A bandaid for the booboo cause it cannot be cured,
To help me keep going, something to move toward.


But you can’t fill your pockets when you empty another’s,
It leaves you with nothing, you cannot move forward,


And the empty inside you will continue to grow,


It won’t matter how high you get, you’ll still feel low.


Dollar signs won’t fill the hole deep inside your heart,
Money digs into your cracks until you’re torn apart.


Wondering who is that girl when you see an old picture,
Can’t look in the mirror but hey least you’re richer.


Meanwhile where’s everybody that you leant a hand,
500, 250, even a couple grand.
Over 5000 when you last did the math.
Now they’re heading down the very same path.


No one will see that you didn’t want to take, you just needed a way out, too much more and you’d break.

You didn’t read the fine print when you agreed to the deal,
No one cares you didn’t mean it, you just didn’t want to feel,


It was the only way out of the cage you were held in,
Hiding too well the bruises left on your skin..

Who would believe you wanted to get caught,

That you signed your name on every item you bought..

Who will believe it was just one big accident,

When they tally up every dime that you spent..


We all have excuses..
all have justifications..


Some are admissable, some just don’t make sense..


But theyre still just excuses and they won’t stand in court,
And you want to take it back but it’s too late too abort.


And unfortunately I’m sorry won’t quite be sufficient,
It’s like fucking things up has just been preconditioned.


You’re getting paranoid,
They’re coming for you.


And no one will believe that what you’re saying could be true,

No one will believe that you didn’t mean too,

What did you do?

Written and owned by d3licate