To the girl in the photograph that’s supposed to be me from four years ago..
I can’t believe it’s already been so long.
When they told me time heals all wounds they couldn’t have been more wrong..
It doesn’t hurt any less.
In fact it hurts just about as bad as the day it happened, but I know to expect it to hurt just as bad now..
How has it been four years since you died Alex?
Because although I feel like I’ve been suspended in time the world has kept turning anyway.
The only bandaid I’ve found for the pain is the fact that four years is so much longer than I thought I’d be able to survive.
I didn’t think I’d make it through even one day.
I wish just like I did at two years in that I could tell you my success stories but I can’t because I have none to tell.
However I thank God to still be writing you letters bound to this earth instead of telling you stories at your side or from hell.
We miss you Alex.
But we’re gradually reaching an acceptance of life happening the way it was meant too.
Although in my stubbornness I don’t know I will ever accept you were meant to leave this world the way you did.
Alex I promise we have fought just as hard to live as we have to die.
And we are far from perfecting living like you but we still try.
I’ll admit most days it’s hard just to survive.
The empty place where you’re supposed to be is still just as empty.
I know it’s just my pride that tells me that matters.
I know you want us to be happy.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy but I take faith in the fact you are..
If you were here you’d feel guilty for being happy..
I know over there you’re free to be.
When I see photos of you it hurts so bad Alex.
It aches so bad and some days I don’t know how to keep on because FUCK I miss you.
It used to make me mad but as the years pass the angers giving way to sadness and pain.
I have to wonder if this is as close to resignation and closure as I’ll ever get..
Or is this the closest to resignation and closure that I’m willing to be?
I just pray that you know I never hated you..I just struggle to love me..
Written and owned by d3licate