I am consistently underestimated,

It’s why I wasted years on trying to get faded.

Consistently emasculated.

Photogenic is overrated.

Because society says I can’t tell a boy he’s not a man,

And I’m not a woman because I don’t have a tan.

My body rated one to ten,

My reflections purpose appeasing men.

These boys didn’t give me a chance to develop,

They didn’t care who the girl they rated was the shell of.

This emptiness I let it dictate.

To be used, abused and broken my “fate”.

I wonder did they know what was buried within,

That from a coal can come a diamond?

Don’t take my kindness for weakness,

Because it was just the bad I had to repress.

It doesn’t mean I don’t remember what I learned.

It doesn’t mean I don’t stand by the truths I discerned.

Every guy I’ve cared for thinks that they were better,

But they were never the best suitor.

They didn’t win because of what they had,

Or because they thought they were better at pretending they weren’t sad.

I didn’t choose them because they looked the best,

In fact all of these boys they failed my test.

In fact they didn’t even try,

If they’d told the truth I would have asked them to lie.

I wasn’t ready for the person I’d become,

So I didn’t mind making myself dumb.

I felt it all, and it made me numb.

I know they thought that I was weak,

I wasn’t “strange” I was just unique.

They may have picked me for my apparent weakness,

I could have told them the truth but I digress.

I’ve learned my importance isn’t defined by my journeys length.

The truth is, in my weakness I find my strength.

I am not weak because they had the power,

I was never weak, it was just not my finest hour.

I’d been persuaded I was destined for a path that many sought.

Told I was doing right even though I was not.

Because society told me pretty lies,

And I refused to read between the lines.

My truth is not for all to hear,

My future is set though it’s not always clear.

My love is unconditional,
I am monogamous but untraditional.

Because they take my test but just keep failing,

I choose the west but it’s not smooth sailing.

It takes building yourself up, and tearing yourself down.

You have to accept your fate, inhale the water so you drown.

Truth is you don’t only live once,

Dying is a reoccurrence.

So you can see where you went wrong,

A single life is not that long.

I suffocated when I was nineteen,

When I awoke I understood fuck your grass being green.

For when a single ant bite can end your existence,

You have to learn the art of persistence.

Because every day could be your last,

A life you’d taken for granted had already passed.

You cant lay in the grass face to the sun,

Saying no to things that used to be fun.

But i had to learn not everything’s worth dying for,

I know I had cancer but I found the cure.

No one believes that I faced off with death,

Felt myself dying with every breathe.

But I know I made the choice,

I said NO and found my voice.

My life was not my own to give,

The cancer died when I chose to live.

The third time I died I swallowed pills,

Tired of contemplating the drop from window sills.

Because I put my faith where it didn’t belong,

And since I wasn’t enough i couldn’t go on
Six feet under I dug my own pit,

Never tried to find a way to fix it.

Redundancy became my friend,

I couldn’t find the strength so again I chose the end.

This time I swallowed more than enough,
Hoping but certain I wouldn’t wake up.

“God I know this is a sin,
But he stole my pure, and he burned my skin.”

“ God I fell into the lions den,
I lost faith in you, put my faith in men.”

Perhaps I died going down those stairs,

The memory raises goosebumps, it tickles little hairs.

That a human is capable of terrible acts,

I learned the horror stories were actually facts.

But forty six flexerol, countless Xanax made me drop.

I died because I wasn’t strong and I wanted it to stop.

This death taught me, I was wrong I am never alone,
That when I’m with god I’m always home.

And all the love i tried to deny,

The life I had lived was all a lie.

Many people think they know me,

But I will be only what they want to see.

And they will never know what I know,

I cannot make change, just water flowers and watch them grow.

I thought that a martyr sacrificed,

And I rescind the lies I typed.

It doesn’t mean you let yourself go,

But there isn’t any shame in letting your scars show.

I died to forget the lies I had been told,

I had to die to break the mold.

In my weakness, I have grown strong,

And others perception of me is very wrong,

I am not perfect, I will make a mistake,

But I promise I see through the fake.

I know what is fake and what is real,

I know what it means to really feel.

I do not judge your misconception,

But don’t mistrust my predilection.

You do not know who I will be,

I see others but they don’t see me.

Written and owned by d3licate

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