Wouldn’t do a single thing any other way

I can’t remember if I’ve ever been quite this broke,

In more ways than one.

Watching my life as it goes up in smoke,

so ready to be done.

Cause they say not to fly too high, but when you’re soaring through the sky, it’s so very easy too get too close to the sun..

And I wonder if I could go back now knowing the cost,

Looking back at my mistakes and at all that I’ve lost,

Would I make different choices would I use what I’d learned?

Would I choose to soar lower now that I have been burned?

Would I choose to be different cause my skin it still burns..

Would it be any different if I took different turns?

In my dreams I see the faces of all I have scorned,

And all that I’ve lost, all the friends I have mourned..

In the past I’d be overcome, I’d fall to my knee,

Screaming at God, asking “damnit, why me?”

Back when I questioned him, “blessed or am I cursed?”

When life felt surreal like it’d all been rehearsed.

Deja vu, felt like I’d done this all before,

Vuja de so familiar but I’m just not quite sure..

Maybe I’m special or maybe I just personify,

Could it be supernatural, is there more to this than meets the eye?

Sometimes I think that all I know is a lie,

It makes it hard to get up, makes it so hard to try..

And though I don’t want to be like this, there’s so much I’ve overcome,

And though I see my reflection and do not like who I’ve become,

I’m not sure given the chance I’d change the choices I’d made,

All those times I could’ve left I think I still would’ve stayed.

Because if changing my choices meant changing who I am,

Then I’d do it all over again,

goddamn,

Because if changing my choices changed being with you today,

Then I wouldn’t do a single thing any other way.

Written and owned by d3licate

Living your life’s so much better than pretending..

Feels like I’m in slow motion, While the world’s on fast forward.

Like I’m stuck out in the deep end nose barely up above the water.

Lately I’ve been waking, drenched in sweat like I just showered.

Been ignoring my mom’s texts cause I don’t feel like a good daughter..

What’s the point in asking, we already know the answer.

Lately I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Can’t seem to change my ways, need to be rewired.

And I can’t accept that I’ve been standing still so long,

That moving now is not normal it’s what feels wrong.

I know I’m almost ready,

My gears begin to shift,

But my direction isn’t steady,

Parts of my mind still ripped..

How do I keep going,

How do I move on from here?

It kills me the ” not knowing”,

Paralyzes me with fear.

Here’s a wake up call;

We’re all unprepared,

It doesn’t make you less brave to admit you were scared.

Wake up call,

You will always find the strength,

And the importance of your journey isn’t defined by your stories length.

Keep writing your story,

Don’t fret so much over its ending,

Because living your life’s so much better in the end then just pretending..

Written and owned by d3licate

You are my infinity..

I’m terrified of falling,

but when I look in your eyes I see the universe,

and its billions of light years of untouched mass that sits waiting for the explosion that will form it into a star or planet.

Before you I was drowning in a black hole that destroyed everything it touched,

I destroyed everything I touched.

sucking it with me into the darkness I had become.

with all the possibilities of everything; yet I created nothing,

I was a sheer spot of nothing in the universe dragging infinite numbers of galaxies into my clutches and destroying them.

When I was 19 I thought I’d found love.

I didn’t know that just because the sun is beautiful you can’t get to close or you’ll burn.

I ruined love in my innocence and naivety,

I created a hole in my chest that I allowed no one to fill and it grew and it grew and I was so scared it was going to tear me apart.

I decided if I couldn’t have love I’d have nothing and I poured out my soul in an attempt to make room for the men I let into my life.

perhaps the problem is that we fall too quickly.

I lost myself in one after another, yet I felt that I’d never find what I was looking for.

heartbreak is a tricky thing and she tore apart the good in him leaving me with nothing.

like a star that finally comes into your vision only to fade when you can finally touch it and I was tired of being alone and scared,

I didn’t want to risk myself again content to suck everything in..

I met you and that was it, you left stars behind my eyelids when I looked at you, and with every kiss you pulled me from the corners of the universe.

And you are not my Sun.

Nor the dead star that still twinkles 23 billion light years away only to go out when it finally reaches me.

You are the unborn galaxies promising hope and life, sending beautiful pieces of matter to create something incredible,

and the only thing that burns is your face behind closed eyelids when I sleep.

I love the masterpiece that is you.

Planned for the sole purpose of ending the nothing that had taken me over.

I want to know every detail of you, read every scar like it’s the stars in the infinity that is time.

And know every secret desire you hide.

I will protect you from the black holes that will try to unmask you,

Because you are my infinity. 

Written and owned by d3licate

Nice to meet you.

I make you do things you don’t want to do,

I make you believe things that aren’t even true.

I twist and warp the words people say,

I make you believe there is no other way.

I force out a yes when you really mean no.

I take you to places you don’t want to go.

I whisper burden failure whore.
When it’s going well I close the door.

You look so dumb from the outside.

But I kidnapped you, took you for a ride.

Many nights you cannot sleep,
While i whisper to you that you’re cheap.

I lift your mood so you feel alright.

You don’t need food or to sleep at night.

Anxiety and I coincide.

Anxiety blurs the truth, but me, I lie.

I pulled a mask over your eyes.
My rose colored glasses will be your demise.

I also make you paranoid.
Good relationships destroyed.

I make you laugh,

I make you cry,

Don’t even bother asking me why.

I do what I want,
and you’re the one my decisions will haunt.

I use you as my game controller…

Its nice to meet you i’m bipolar.

Written and owned by d3licate

Sometimes I wish to be forgotten

I used to wish they’d all forget me..

So I wouldn’t feel their disappointment.

I couldn’t live up to the potential, that they all seemed to see in me..

I used to walk with purpose..

Even when I didn’t know what it was, it wasn’t lost, I just hadn’t found it yet,

But lately I’ve been aimless..

Too scared to jump, caught in the “helpless” net.

Because if I’m choosing to fail, somehow that’s not failing at all.

Feel like I’m wasting my life by not jumping I just anticipate the fall..

But if they say I’m a failure at least I chose to make that call..

Unfortunately for success, learned helplessness is a brick wall..

Lately I feel frozen, my life’s paused while the world’s on fast forward.

And Though nothings set in stone, isolations all I’m headed toward..

Feels like I’m giving my all but I can barely keep my grip..

To my sanity,

but the vibrancy,

of my smile starts to slip..

Not looking where I’m going keeps on causing me to trip..

And yet people I encounter always remark on my strength.

“How do you keep it together?”

Treading water while everyone else has just sank.

I’m not strong.

And life keeps on proving me right, when I wanted to be wrong..

I just wish they didn’t miss me..

I just wish that when they looked at me they could see the ugly..

Wish I could crack open my skull and let my poor mind free..

Trapped behind wall after wall bound by scars that none will ever see,

by a person I could never be,

behind unrealistic expectations that I perceived someone had set for me,

Awhile ago I stopped fearing my demons and began fearing that the demon is actually me..

And I’m so scared someday I’m going to wake up and realize my whole life is over,

But I won’t wake up when it’s actually over,

Just like I can’t wake up when I’m all the way sober..

Just like I won’t see straight until I’m finally sober..

I don’t get high anymore..

It’s not the drugs it’s just me because high is just normal,

And anytime I get sad and I cry I’m “hormonal”..

I can’t just admit that I’m sad..

Because at times it seems nothings okay its all bad..

The only time I accept I’m depressed is when I’m mad.

But despite others telling me my life’s not so hard,

Despite them calling me lazy, and pulling out the “hypochondriac” card,

Despite the million and one times I’ve had to let my pride go,

I pray that each new day is the day I will grow,

I pray everyday that my scars will not show,

Maybe today is my day; you never know..

Written and owned by d3licate

Throwback from some years ago

Sociopath, sociopath, where is your heart?

You used to be beautiful where did the the ugly start?

Angelic demon you take hope away,
You make them believe with the words that you say,

But as time goes on these words can’t be true,

You don’t follow through, you just say you don’t do,

Broken girl, broken girl, where is your heart?

The wolves and the vultures they tear you apart.

Pieces just pieces, strewn on the lawn,

Scattered and shredded left bleeding by dawn.

The light doesn’t stop them it just seems to hurt,

Broken fingernails grasping desperately at the dirt,

Dragging her baggage it weighs her down,

Keeping her flailing on the cold hard ground.

And her loved ones they leave her they can’t seem to watch,

Men always eager, to them she’s just one more notch.

And they brag and they brag like she’s some kind of win,

While she picks and she digs ripping holes in her skin.

Cause she hates herself, hates all them, hates who she is,

Hates that she betrays the man who truly wants to call her his.

So she runs from the love that she fought for before,

Begging god begging him for his love she wanted more.

Now she just watches as he walks out the door,

Leaving unspoken words in stale air, she’s a whore.

She couldn’t keep him, Couldnt accept the love he had chosen to give.

She had chosen to die, he’d decided to live.

And around her she watched they were dropping like flys,

Much like the tear drops that fall from her eyes.

Since he said he couldn’t trust her didn’t know truth from lies,

And with his words the last pieces of good in her dies.

See she held to the hope of the life they could’ve had.

Though she knew that the choices she made were all bad.

But she couldn’t seem to fight the hate, inside she was mad.

At who she didn’t know but underneath it all deep inside she was sad.

It was leaking like sewage, bubbling up through the drain,

Shooting up poison, the needle leaves it’s ugly stain.

Begs for forgiveness but can’t stop the sin.

God please I beg you please just let me in.

Cause God I can’t breathe my chest it feels so damn tight.

And somewhere back there i lost my will to fight.

God can we talk i can’t live through the pain.

My head is so twisted up, I’m lost, I’m insane.

I need help, someone help.

Everyone seems to go,

Destruction my go too it’s all that I know.

These marks on my arms, my cracks starting to show.

Im sinking im sinking, never gotten so low.

Empty shell empty shell, sinking below..

Who I was, who I am, where did you go?

Written and owned by d3licate

What did you do?

As I cry myself to sleep..

The question”why” keeps me awake…

Why’d I give in,
Why’d I break?

When it was freely given, why’d they take..?

And then I try to ask God “how”?

How’d I get from there to now?

But why bother asking when I already know?

Because “FUCK I just wanted to have something to show!”.

Something to show for the pain I endured,

Something to make it just a little less hard,

A bandaid for the booboo cause it cannot be cured,
To help me keep going, something to move toward.

But you can’t fill your pockets when you empty another’s,
It leaves you with nothing, you cannot move forward,

And the empty inside you will continue to grow,

It won’t matter how high you get, you’ll still feel low.

Dollar signs won’t fill the hole deep inside your heart,
Money digs into your cracks until you’re torn apart.

Wondering who is that girl when you see an old picture,
Can’t look in the mirror but hey least you’re richer.

Meanwhile where’s everybody that you leant a hand,
500, 250, even a couple grand.
Over 5000 when you last did the math.
Now they’re heading down the very same path.

No one will see that you didn’t want to take, you just needed a way out, too much more and you’d break.

You didn’t read the fine print when you agreed to the deal,
No one cares you didn’t mean it, you just didn’t want to feel,

It was the only way out of the cage you were held in,
Hiding too well the bruises left on your skin..

Who would believe you wanted to get caught,

That you signed your name on every item you bought..

Who will believe it was just one big accident,

When they tally up every dime that you spent..

We all have excuses..
all have justifications..

Some are admissable, some just don’t make sense..

But theyre still just excuses and they won’t stand in court,
And you want to take it back but it’s too late too abort.

And unfortunately I’m sorry won’t quite be sufficient,
It’s like fucking things up has just been preconditioned.

You’re getting paranoid,
They’re coming for you.

And no one will believe that what you’re saying could be true,

No one will believe that you didn’t mean too,

What did you do?

Written and owned by d3licate

Missing

For so long I’ve been fighting for this idea of free;

Been wounded so many times fighting for what I thought was me;

Who is me?

Some days I don’t even know;

And I don’t know where I’m going because I’ve got nowhere I want to go.

I’ve been down, but I was up, I’ve still got nothing to show;

A lot less people hit me up now that I don’t have all that money to blow.

And I could feed you some bullshit like “I don’t know how this happened”.

But though I didn’t know the fine print how else did I expect it all to end?

Find myself in the mirror and to me I do not look the same.

Took on all the blame for others,
And between me and her there’s no one else to blame.

I know that I’m crazy, literally certifiably insane.

And not only because of the needle that once lived in my vein.

Yet recently I feel I’m the only one around that’s sane.Or is it just cause I recognize my fatal flaw is my own shame.

So I asked the girl in the mirror;

“Are you a bad person?”
“And all those choices you made, what made them worth it?”

“Was it done out of hate? Or were you just hurtin?”

“You fight with yourself, tell me who threw the first hit?”

“Did you pick up your pieces but you couldn’t make them fit?”

And at this point my reflection she no longer denies,
When I look in the mirror it no longer lies.

I’m so lost,

bound by some invisible contract I signed without knowing the cost.

I thought I was enough that I could spread it around.
Some pieces I’ve lost will never be found.

Now my insides feel empty;

too scared to look for the hole.

Damned to spend this lifetime not all the way whole.

Found myself trapped scared I’ll never be free,
Can’t ever be alone but I’m used to lonely.

Feels like I’ll never fit in just quite right.
Like I’m the last puzzle piece that got lost out of sight.

Worried that something will just always be missing,

And while they shoot for the stars I’ll always just be down here wishing.

Written and owned by d3licate

I miss my alter..

Dear auris,

I refuse to go home and make up excuses because I don’t want my family seeing my bruised up face.

They’re not going to believe I just walked into a door; we’ve been through this before..

I don’t want them to have to see my bruised face and then watch me choose to go back,

Because I should know I don’t deserve it but I’m still unsure.

I do this to protect them in the only way I know,

Unfortunately I can’t do the same to protect you though.

Auris; from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I say sorry instead of I apologise because I can’t promise I won’t do it again and I’m so sorry.

You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to suffer because of my choices. You didn’t ask for any of the happenstances in my life you’ve been forced to handle and you do not deserve to suffer because I choose too.

You’ve been so quiet but your silence is louder than your yelling ever was.

Auris I miss you and I’m sorry you don’t deserve this.

Written and owned by D3licat3

Sleeping

I am starting to feel like a caged animal..

It may look to you like I am sleeping; but I am not.

No, see behind my closed eyes, my relaxed face and my even breathing I am fucking losing it.

Running back and forth between homicide or suicide, bordering on manic depressive because I feel so fucking miserable I almost don’t care who I take down with me or hurt on my way out.

But see that’s the difference between you and I.

I almost don’t care, you don’t.

So instead of launching a nuclear bomb at our planet and blowing us all to dust I lay here “sleeping”.

And I’ve trained myself to keep my face smooth and placid.

My breathing deep and even.

Taken special care to ensure that my eyelids won’t flutter and give away that I’m awake.

I’ve gotten so good at it I almost fool myself sometimes.

When you show your ass the way you do.

Kicking shit. Putting holes in walls, putting bruises on my face.

I get jealous.

I don’t get to lose control. I don’t get to express the pain and the misery inside of me. I don’t get to kick shit and put holes in walls and I don’t have someone smaller than me that I know cares enough about me not to leave to use as my punching bag.

So when you break shit, when you break me, I put myself in my cage and I go to sleep.

Written and owned by D3licat3