There’s a woman on a porch sitting in a rocking chair,
Hands in her lap, scarred and mottled from wear.
She’s a goddess on her throne, the kind of woman that’s rare.
She’s got her dreams on the map, knowledge braided in her hair.
The sun is going down but she doesn’t seem to care,
Eyes squinted shut against the suns warm glare.
She’s got tales to tell about mountains she’s climbed,
Lessons she’s learned forming wrinkles round her eyes.
She sees a toddler on the beach walking seaweed in hand,
Gathering her seashells from the tide washed sand.
Drifting to a time before things were hard.
Big bird cake and a home made birthday card.
Before she ever asked “mom where’s dad?”
Before he drifted off and left her feeling sad.
The era before, the hole left by he,
When empty didn’t exist, whole was reality.
This was a time with baby strollers and a great big Christmas tree.
When she needed a man she could call for her daddy.
At Christmas time she sat on Santa’s knee.
And her gifts didn’t cost money, everything was free.
Back to a time before there was hurt,
Being made fun of for her hand me down shirt.
The look of wonder when something’s brand new.
When rainy days were far and few.
Hold onto childlike innocence,
Now it’s held in reprehense.
Mom always taught her do well in school,
Looks and a brain makes you a jewel.
Get good grades so you can go to college,
Teachers gave her books that were filled with knowledge.
Reading books long into the night,
Not allowed to turn on the light,
She read in the dark, maybe that’s why she lost sight.
She learned very early what it meant to be smart,
But she didn’t know how to safeguard her heart.
Humans are scared of what they don’t understand.
Three boats sailing slowly to a distant land,
No comprehension of the oceans they’ve spanned.
In grade school they didn’t like that you have an old soul, When they notice you’re different they start digging your hole.
To conform or to be different; forced to make a choice.
Ostracized, they will silence your voice.
“All that’s real is what you see”,
One teacher said and she didn’t agree.
Smiling and waving at all she met,
Completely unaware they had caught her in their net.
Don’t you know you’re supposed to conform?
Societies hatred leaves her forlorn.
Teary eyed facing hate and scorn,
Demons are born.
A chip in her shoulder,
Feet dragging like boulders,
Quickly getting older,
They don’t like her pretty folder. Trying desperately to mold her,
Don’t be different it’s a burden,
Speaking last can’t get a word in,
Put pride aside it is a sin,
Uncomfortable inside her skin.
Remnants of her innocence now in the past,
The world keeps on spinning,
it goes so fast.
Her report cards all said A,
Can’t afford school any other way. It feels like high school never ends,
Until it’s graduation day.
So many paths but which to choose,
She put it all in thinking she can’t lose,
Finally thinks she has a friend.
Another lesson comes to head,
Tired of this pain, oh when will it end?
“You’d be better off if you were dead.”
Up all night not slacking off,
Just a tick bite just a cough.
Some days she can’t get out of bed,
“Stop overreacting, it’s all in your head”.
Doctors don’t know what to do,
Labs don’t lie, but it can’t be true.
Get you a lawyer, and you can sue.
Asked her reflection “who are you?”
First relationships a bluff.
Truly terrified of love.
Daddy issues start to show.
“Daddy why’d you have to go?”
“I tried so hard for you, you know?”
“You left a hole inside my heart,”
“Dad when did the empty start?”
“I’ve tried to fill your void with men.”
“When it didn’t work I tried again.”
Wondering why you just don’t care.
Running bitten fingernails through hair.
Convinced “no boy can change the girl I am”,
But he doesn’t like when I say damn.
He only wants me to wear these,
No off the shoulder just long sleeves.
To cover up the needles kiss.
One boy down he won’t be missed.
This one shines he is my sun,
But four months later he’s no fun.
Boys just wouldn’t let her be,
Mom says not to be easy.
She had to work for what she wants,
Got good at Ignoring kids dumb taunts,
She started sleeping life away.
They had molded her like clay.
Placed in an oven watch her burn,
Place her ashes in an urn,
For her past her heart would yearn.
Starts to realize her mistake,
Give a little, they just take.
It might be time to take a break,
Lyrics on a birthday cake,
Memories of her first tattoo,
Dad it’s there to forget you.
Angry words formed in a rhyme,
It reminds her all the time.
No one gets just what it means,
That everything’s not as it seems.
How’d her path get all messed up?
One word texts just saying yup.
Doesn’t care to speak much more.
Kids are saying she’s a whore.
She wants out and she found the door.
Scars from scrapes are on her knees,
Got a boo boo kiss it please.
Strayed from the path that had been lain,
Purpose all too quickly begins to fade.
The woman’s eyes now cast in shade.
Remembers how she prayed,
God forgive me for my sins,
Target shaped bruises on her shins.
Teachers kicking her out of class,
Her bones feel brittle like they’re glass.
Mom thinks it’s fake,
“Listen please for goodness sake”,
How many Fs can she afford to take?
It’s all pushing her to break.
She said “mom, I’m really stuck in bed, I know this isn’t in my head.”
False hypochondria was fed,
She needed help or soon she would be dead.
“It won’t be so bad for you”
Told her “you’re doing what you always do”,
It was no big deal they thought.
Based on how soon it was caught.
Started out at urgent care,
Reassured that lymes is rare.
Two weeks of meds, just a precaution.
By then debilitated by exhaustion.
A sinking feeling in her chest,
Of how bad it gets when it’s progressed.
He believed the words she said,
And if he hadn’t she’d be dead.
Quickly changed to calling her a freak,
“It’s just a joke don’t be so weak”
Stayed in bed all day and week,
She’s just lazy,
She tells him “please don’t ask me again”,
“It was way back when I was ten. It’s no big deal” she says and then.
The truth was slowly creeping in.
He saw a doll and tried to play,
She wanted him in the worst way.
He told her she was not enough,
As months went on it got more tough.
She thought it’s what it meant to love.
She thought they fit just like a glove.
He constructed her whole life.
His words stabbing like a knife.
She let him manipulate her mind,
Asked “is it worth it” every time.
Convinced herself that she was fine.
He was a storm that tore her heart,
A tornado ripping her apart,
He caused the very earth to quake.
Leaving chaos in his wake.
She can no longer tell whats real from fake.
The sun goes down and still she sits,
Let’s regret take its hits.
In some ways mom is always right.
She allowed these boys to block her sight.
Saw something she’d refused to see,
She wasn’t failing it was he.
His parting words to convince her she’s crazy,
The women holds a lonely daisy.
Head is clear and she feels free.
It took the bad to see the good,
To learn the distinction between could and should.
Countless days and restless nights.
Speeding trains and turbulent flights.
Accepting every single day.
Every roadblock in the way.
Searching for the reason why,
Sometimes there’s no reason you just need to cry.
People cheat and people lie.
His violent act made her choose to die.
To end her life this boy he tried.
Swallowed pills but she survived.
It took repeating the same mistakes.
Getting into bed with countless snakes.
Every time picked up her heart.
Tore the toxic relationship apart.
In the end she found there was nothing left.
He took it all left her bereft.
She had to relearn she was strong,
Taught herself their words were wrong.
Had to learn life will go on,
Even after he was gone.
She had to learn to let pride go.
That the universe it has a flow.
She learned to do it on her own,
Blocked their numbers in her phone.
What she was worth now so much clearer.
The ones who mattered even dearer.
The ones who listened to his lies,
Old friends who now ignored her cries.
Choosing him instead of her,
Lit a match and took their turn.
Set the fire then watched her burn. It was necessary for her to learn.
Truth was she was meanest to herself,
Placed her needs up on the shelf.
She was ridiculed for her choices.
So hard to focus with so many voices.
Bears the guilt of others pain,
Chose to sacrifice so they’d remain,
Inside of their innocent bubble.
Refused to bring them near her trouble.
So obsessed with her new looks.
She forgot about her books.
She forgot about her brain.
Convinced herself she was insane.
She was not a pretty picture,
Lost her way and lost the scripture.
She was not a trophy wife,
She deserved a better life,
The only person she was hurting was herself.
The only reassurance she needed was from herself.
She learned sometimes life is hard,
The grass is greener in your own yard.
They’ll try to snuff out your bright light,
Swears she hears them late at night.
Decide on who you are,
no goal or distance is too far,
Her lungs are full of tar and her hair is turning gray,
Her story may end any day,
But when she looks at herself she feels okay,
She may have made mistakes but did everything it takes to end her story,
She faced her battles and earned her glory.
Written and owned by D3licat3