Two years.

Two years;
          

It’s going on almost two years now since I finally got sober.

Yet it still hangs over my head like a thundercloud and I wonder will it ever be over?

Would you still have asked me where that needle went if I’d never let the needle own me?

Is it really still so easy to warp my picture once again into one of a junkie?

No one puts a needle in their arm because they love themselves,

No one puts a needle in their arm just cause they love getting high,

I proved myself wrong when I put the needle down,

I did some serious growing from then until now..

But when the question leaves your mouth

“What happened to the needle that was in this box?”

Wow.

You must really think I’m dumb as rocks.

I can buy a pack of ten for a dollar at the Walmart neighborhood market pharmacy.

They wouldn’t ask me any questions it’s been two years but they may even still recognize me.

Why would I steal your mom’s autoinjector from your fridge.

I’m so disappointed I’m pouring gasoline and preparing to burn this bridge.

In my life I haven’t accomplished anything that I set out too,

But when I put down the needle I did something I didn’t think I could ever truly do.

And no one can take that away from me;

Especially not you.

Written and owned by d3licate

Sometimes I wish to be forgotten

I used to wish they’d all forget me..

So I wouldn’t feel their disappointment.

I couldn’t live up to the potential, that they all seemed to see in me..

I used to walk with purpose..

Even when I didn’t know what it was, it wasn’t lost, I just hadn’t found it yet,

But lately I’ve been aimless..

Too scared to jump, caught in the “helpless” net.

Because if I’m choosing to fail, somehow that’s not failing at all.

Feel like I’m wasting my life by not jumping I just anticipate the fall..

But if they say I’m a failure at least I chose to make that call..

Unfortunately for success, learned helplessness is a brick wall..

Lately I feel frozen, my life’s paused while the world’s on fast forward.

And Though nothings set in stone, isolations all I’m headed toward..

Feels like I’m giving my all but I can barely keep my grip..

To my sanity,

but the vibrancy,

of my smile starts to slip..

Not looking where I’m going keeps on causing me to trip..

And yet people I encounter always remark on my strength.

“How do you keep it together?”

Treading water while everyone else has just sank.

I’m not strong.

And life keeps on proving me right, when I wanted to be wrong..

I just wish they didn’t miss me..

I just wish that when they looked at me they could see the ugly..

Wish I could crack open my skull and let my poor mind free..

Trapped behind wall after wall bound by scars that none will ever see,

by a person I could never be,

behind unrealistic expectations that I perceived someone had set for me,

Awhile ago I stopped fearing my demons and began fearing that the demon is actually me..

And I’m so scared someday I’m going to wake up and realize my whole life is over,

But I won’t wake up when it’s actually over,

Just like I can’t wake up when I’m all the way sober..

Just like I won’t see straight until I’m finally sober..

I don’t get high anymore..

It’s not the drugs it’s just me because high is just normal,

And anytime I get sad and I cry I’m “hormonal”..

I can’t just admit that I’m sad..

Because at times it seems nothings okay its all bad..

The only time I accept I’m depressed is when I’m mad.

But despite others telling me my life’s not so hard,

Despite them calling me lazy, and pulling out the “hypochondriac” card,

Despite the million and one times I’ve had to let my pride go,

I pray that each new day is the day I will grow,

I pray everyday that my scars will not show,

Maybe today is my day; you never know..

Written and owned by d3licate

Missing

For so long I’ve been fighting for this idea of free;


Been wounded so many times fighting for what I thought was me;


Who is me?


Some days I don’t even know;


And I don’t know where I’m going because I’ve got nowhere I want to go.


I’ve been down, but I was up, I’ve still got nothing to show;


A lot less people hit me up now that I don’t have all that money to blow.


And I could feed you some bullshit like “I don’t know how this happened”.


But though I didn’t know the fine print how else did I expect it all to end?


Find myself in the mirror and to me I do not look the same.


Took on all the blame for others,
And between me and her there’s no one else to blame.


I know that I’m crazy, literally certifiably insane.


And not only because of the needle that once lived in my vein.


Yet recently I feel I’m the only one around that’s sane.Or is it just cause I recognize my fatal flaw is my own shame.


So I asked the girl in the mirror;


“Are you a bad person?”
“And all those choices you made, what made them worth it?”


“Was it done out of hate? Or were you just hurtin?”


“You fight with yourself, tell me who threw the first hit?”


“Did you pick up your pieces but you couldn’t make them fit?”


And at this point my reflection she no longer denies,
When I look in the mirror it no longer lies.


I’m so lost,


bound by some invisible contract I signed without knowing the cost.


I thought I was enough that I could spread it around.
Some pieces I’ve lost will never be found.


Now my insides feel empty;

too scared to look for the hole.


Damned to spend this lifetime not all the way whole.


Found myself trapped scared I’ll never be free,
Can’t ever be alone but I’m used to lonely.


Feels like I’ll never fit in just quite right.
Like I’m the last puzzle piece that got lost out of sight.


Worried that something will just always be missing,


And while they shoot for the stars I’ll always just be down here wishing.

Written and owned by d3licate

You’re a mean one mr. Grinch

Anyone who takes the time to wish me merry Christmas beware,

It’s the anniversary of my first suicide attempt which I love to share.

Merry Christmas,

Merry Christmas indeed.

A whole day for me to sit and wallow in my own greed.

I don’t deserve shit, but what I gets never enough.

I didn’t make a list, I’m lucky I didn’t get none.

But the real present will be if your fist doesn’t leave any black smears on my face.

I’m not sure what you want but I’ve been trying to give you space.

I just want the chance to go home tomorrow,

Pretend I’m all happy, it’s Christmas for an hour I can shed my shroud of sorrow.

But Christmas eve came and went and I’m depressed.

And I feel that all too familiar question tinkering round in my head..

What’s the point?

It’d be better for everyone if you were just dead.

Hindrance,

Burden,

You’re just holding them all back.

Selfish,

lazy,

You take without giving back,

One year clean doesn’t matter cause your lifes still not on track.

Now my bowls almost empty and I dropped it but it didn’t crack.

I’ll call it a Christmas miracle and laugh to my friends,

But I’m alone.

Merry Christmas.

Written and owned by D3licat3

Am I?

I know I’m not a fucking idiot but I feel like one.

Perhaps because I don’t know know why I would or wouldn’t be one.

All I know is my instincts are screaming to run.

Whatever this game is you win, I am done.

Cause I just cannot do it, cannot feel like this.

Thinking back to highschool railroad tracks go up the wrist.

I’m not made of stone.

But you just keep on chipping.

Tearing flesh from bone,

Don’t know how I’m still breathing.

Sorry I think I need to go.

I just can’t do this anymore,

You need to let me go,

What are you even holding on for

You hate me you’ve made it so very clear.

Made sure I could hear it, when I couldn’t even hear.

And so I think,

I think I need to go,

There’s something I am missing and I don’t want to know

You’ve left me beaten with bruises that show,

Yeah I really think I have to go

Written and owned by D3licat3

To the girl at the Citgo who asked to read my aura for me..

Dear girl at the citgo who told me she could “read my aura”,

If that’s the case then can you tell me why I hate mascara?

You said “yes, he’s a good guy”,

My response would’ve been “take another look, there’s more to him than meets the eye, and upon second inspection if you still think so then tell me; why?”

See although you should always trust your instincts; sometimes energy can lie.

And if you can really read my aura tell me “do I really want to die?”

Dear girl at the citgo, I don’t want to tell you you’re wrong. It’s not that I did not believe you, and as our story grows you may have been right all along.

It’s just that I won’t subject you to my pain.

Every person that has seen me ended up going insane. It’s funny people always judge me and my ability to maintain. Not a one of them has ever looked too deep inside my brain.

Girl at the citgo, I know you think you know my soul.

You caught me off guard asking about a baby, I know you thought you were on a roll.

But you don’t know me.

You see the person I could be, or the person I wanted to be, you see the person I allow you to see.

You don’t know me, cause if you did then you’d know I was empty.

Trapped in a cage begging to be let free.

You don’t know me..

And I would never ask you too.

Subjecting someone else to my pain is something I could never do. Keep on knocking, but I will not let you in. You don’t need to know my agony, you don’t need to see the holes I dig into my skin.

You don’t know me.

You’re not ready too yet.

And yet something draws me to you it’s something I do not quite get, but it may just be that you’re one of the oldest I have met, who retained their childlike outlook, who’s cynicism has not been set.

Deep down I’m hoping that we will cross paths again, and feel like it is meant to be I just do not know when,

But until then..

Dear girl at the citgo who asked to read my aura, I believe you, but your not ready.

Written and owned by D3licat3

I can turn up the brightness

My instagram photos don’t show the holes in my teeth or the scars on my skin,

If you don’t look too careful you won’t see the secrets hiding behind my grin,

And my eyes tell a story but the endings still unknown.

I can hide the pain and the loneliness behind the screen of my phone,

But at the end of the day when I need someone I’m still alone.

Cause I can turn up my brightness, I can decrease the contrast,

I can erase a blemish, but it won’t erase my past.

I can cover up the track marks with black colored ink,

Purple hair dye hides my hair loss, stains like bruises in the sink.

But under the filters I’m riddled with scars,

They connect like constellations some fading like stars.

And there’s a story about the battles and the blood that was shed,

And the pieces she remembers, the parts that couldn’t survive her head.

Have you ever felt the pain of losing part of your soul?

Stuck living the rest of your life not quite whole.

Searching for something you can never get back,

The only way to accept it was to add another track.

Ask the girl in the mirror ” are you a bad person?”,

“And all the things that you’ve done, what made them worth it?”

“Was it done to cause pain, or were you just hurtin?”

Ask the girl in the mirror, “why do you stay?”

“you’ve had plenty of chances could’ve gotten away”,

“you’ve done it before know that you’ll be okay”

“You refuse to accept it, you’re hung up on a wish”

“DONT TAKE THE BAIT YOU’RE NOT A FISH!”

Touch the girl in the mirrors bruised up face,

This isn’t your fight, get out of this place.

And teardrops like the glitter that sparkles on her eyes,

If you don’t pay attention you wouldn’t know that she cries,

Because instagram filters and makeup they’re lies,

All they are, are tools she uses to help her hide,

The fact that she’s empty, it’s all buried inside.

And the girl in those photos has long ago died.

Written and owned by D3licat3

Please God I’m not strong enough

If you get in your car and you drive off,

Don’t expect me to wait for you.

I’m just not that patient; I’m not strong enough,

Put yourself in my place, I mean; what would you do?

You wouldn’t; but I guess that’s what I meant.

You’d get in your car, leave, and wouldn’t tell me where you went.

Don’t get in that car, God please don’t drive off…

Cause I want to say i’d wait; but im just not strong enough.

And I can’t stand it, don’t want to do this anymore.

I always think I want to leave, but I’m still so damn unsure.

But I’m telling you if you get in, and if you drive off;

I won’t wait for you.

Written and owned by D3licat3

Memoirs of a sinner

There’s a woman on a porch sitting in a rocking chair,
Hands in her lap, scarred and mottled from wear.


She’s a goddess on her throne, the kind of woman that’s rare.
She’s got her dreams on the map, knowledge braided in her hair.


The sun is going down but she doesn’t seem to care,
Eyes squinted shut against the suns warm glare.


She’s got tales to tell about mountains she’s climbed,
Lessons she’s learned forming wrinkles round her eyes.


She sees a toddler on the beach walking seaweed in hand,
Gathering her seashells from the tide washed sand.


Drifting to a time before things were hard.
Big bird cake and a home made birthday card.


Before she ever asked “mom where’s dad?”


Before he drifted off and left her feeling sad.


The era before, the hole left by he,
When empty didn’t exist, whole was reality.


This was a time with baby strollers and a great big Christmas tree.
When she needed a man she could call for her daddy.
At Christmas time she sat on Santa’s knee.
And her gifts didn’t cost money, everything was free.


Back to a time before there was hurt,
Being made fun of for her hand me down shirt.


The look of wonder when something’s brand new.
When rainy days were far and few.


Hold onto childlike innocence,
Now it’s held in reprehense.

Mom always taught her do well in school,
Looks and a brain makes you a jewel.


Get good grades so you can go to college,
Teachers gave her books that were filled with knowledge.


Reading books long into the night,
Not allowed to turn on the light,
She read in the dark, maybe that’s why she lost sight.


She learned very early what it meant to be smart,
But she didn’t know how to safeguard her heart.


Humans are scared of what they don’t understand.
Three boats sailing slowly to a distant land,
No comprehension of the oceans they’ve spanned.

In grade school they didn’t like that you have an old soul, When they notice you’re different they start digging your hole.


To conform or to be different; forced to make a choice.
Ostracized, they will silence your voice.


“All that’s real is what you see”,
One teacher said and she didn’t agree.


Smiling and waving at all she met,
Completely unaware they had caught her in their net.


Don’t you know you’re supposed to conform?
Societies hatred leaves her forlorn.
Teary eyed facing hate and scorn,
Demons are born.

A chip in her shoulder,
Feet dragging like boulders,
Quickly getting older,
They don’t like her pretty folder. Trying desperately to mold her,


Don’t be different it’s a burden,
Speaking last can’t get a word in,
Put pride aside it is a sin,
Uncomfortable inside her skin.


Remnants of her innocence now in the past,
The world keeps on spinning,
it goes so fast.

Her report cards all said A,
Can’t afford school any other way. It feels like high school never ends,
Until it’s graduation day.


So many paths but which to choose,
She put it all in thinking she can’t lose,


Finally thinks she has a friend.
Another lesson comes to head,
Tired of this pain, oh when will it end?
“You’d be better off if you were dead.”


Up all night not slacking off,
Just a tick bite just a cough.


Some days she can’t get out of bed,
“Stop overreacting, it’s all in your head”.


Doctors don’t know what to do,
Labs don’t lie, but it can’t be true.
Get you a lawyer, and you can sue.
Asked her reflection “who are you?”

First relationships a bluff.
Truly terrified of love.


Daddy issues start to show.
“Daddy why’d you have to go?”
“I tried so hard for you, you know?”


“You left a hole inside my heart,”
“Dad when did the empty start?”


“I’ve tried to fill your void with men.”
“When it didn’t work I tried again.”


Wondering why you just don’t care.
Running bitten fingernails through hair.


Convinced “no boy can change the girl I am”,
But he doesn’t like when I say damn.


He only wants me to wear these,
No off the shoulder just long sleeves.


To cover up the needles kiss.
One boy down he won’t be missed.


This one shines he is my sun,
But four months later he’s no fun.


Boys just wouldn’t let her be,
Mom says not to be easy.

She had to work for what she wants,
Got good at Ignoring kids dumb taunts,


She started sleeping life away.
They had molded her like clay.


Placed in an oven watch her burn,
Place her ashes in an urn,
For her past her heart would yearn.


Starts to realize her mistake,
Give a little, they just take.
It might be time to take a break,
Lyrics on a birthday cake,


Memories of her first tattoo,
Dad it’s there to forget you.


Angry words formed in a rhyme,
It reminds her all the time.


No one gets just what it means,
That everything’s not as it seems.


How’d her path get all messed up?
One word texts just saying yup.


Doesn’t care to speak much more.
Kids are saying she’s a whore.
She wants out and she found the door.


Scars from scrapes are on her knees,
Got a boo boo kiss it please.


Strayed from the path that had been lain,
Purpose all too quickly begins to fade.
The woman’s eyes now cast in shade.
Remembers how she prayed,


God forgive me for my sins,
Target shaped bruises on her shins.


Teachers kicking her out of class,
Her bones feel brittle like they’re glass.


Muscles ache,
Mom thinks it’s fake,
“Listen please for goodness sake”,
How many Fs can she afford to take?
It’s all pushing her to break.

She said “mom, I’m really stuck in bed, I know this isn’t in my head.”
False hypochondria was fed,
She needed help or soon she would be dead.


“It won’t be so bad for you”
Told her “you’re doing what you always do”,


It was no big deal they thought.
Based on how soon it was caught.


Started out at urgent care,
Reassured that lymes is rare.


Two weeks of meds, just a precaution.
By then debilitated by exhaustion.


A sinking feeling in her chest,
Of how bad it gets when it’s progressed.


He believed the words she said,
And if he hadn’t she’d be dead.


Quickly changed to calling her a freak,
“It’s just a joke don’t be so weak”
Stayed in bed all day and week,


She’s just lazy,
Memories hazy,


She tells him “please don’t ask me again”,
“It was way back when I was ten. It’s no big deal” she says and then.
The truth was slowly creeping in.

He saw a doll and tried to play,
She wanted him in the worst way.


He told her she was not enough,
As months went on it got more tough.


She thought it’s what it meant to love.
She thought they fit just like a glove.


He constructed her whole life.
His words stabbing like a knife.


She let him manipulate her mind,
Asked “is it worth it” every time.
Convinced herself that she was fine.


He was a storm that tore her heart,
A tornado ripping her apart,


He caused the very earth to quake.
Leaving chaos in his wake.
She can no longer tell whats real from fake.

The sun goes down and still she sits,
Let’s regret take its hits.


In some ways mom is always right.
She allowed these boys to block her sight.


Saw something she’d refused to see,
She wasn’t failing it was he.


His parting words to convince her she’s crazy,
The women holds a lonely daisy.
Head is clear and she feels free.

It took the bad to see the good,
To learn the distinction between could and should.


Countless days and restless nights.
Speeding trains and turbulent flights.


Accepting every single day.
Every roadblock in the way.


Searching for the reason why,
Sometimes there’s no reason you just need to cry.
People cheat and people lie.
His violent act made her choose to die.


To end her life this boy he tried.
Swallowed pills but she survived.


It took repeating the same mistakes.
Getting into bed with countless snakes.


Every time picked up her heart.
Tore the toxic relationship apart.


In the end she found there was nothing left.
He took it all left her bereft.

She had to relearn she was strong,
Taught herself their words were wrong.


Had to learn life will go on,
Even after he was gone.


She had to learn to let pride go.
That the universe it has a flow.


She learned to do it on her own,
Blocked their numbers in her phone.


What she was worth now so much clearer.
The ones who mattered even dearer.


The ones who listened to his lies,
Old friends who now ignored her cries.


Choosing him instead of her,
Lit a match and took their turn.
Set the fire then watched her burn. It was necessary for her to learn.

Truth was she was meanest to herself,
Placed her needs up on the shelf.


She was ridiculed for her choices.
So hard to focus with so many voices.


Bears the guilt of others pain,
Chose to sacrifice so they’d remain,


Inside of their innocent bubble.
Refused to bring them near her trouble.


So obsessed with her new looks.
She forgot about her books.


She forgot about her brain.
Convinced herself she was insane.


She was not a pretty picture,
Lost her way and lost the scripture.


She was not a trophy wife,
She deserved a better life,


The only person she was hurting was herself.
The only reassurance she needed was from herself.

She learned sometimes life is hard,
The grass is greener in your own yard.


They’ll try to snuff out your bright light,
Swears she hears them late at night.


Decide on who you are,
no goal or distance is too far,
Her lungs are full of tar and her hair is turning gray,
Her story may end any day,
But when she looks at herself she feels okay,
She may have made mistakes but did everything it takes to end her story,
She faced her battles and earned her glory.

Written and owned by D3licat3

Tell me..

Tell me,


Do you know what it means to be broken?


Do you know what it means to look in the mirror only briefly?


When you leave the truth unspoken,


When you hardly recognize the person you see.


How much did you have to give up?


In order to meet someone else’s idea of good enough,


How bad did they hurt you?


I tell you I know broken,


I’ve met shattered,


I’ve heard you speak the words you never even mattered,


It was through your actions.


Well I tell you,
I found out the hard way that the truth isn’t easy,


Someone broke me despite all the warnings.


And hindsight sure is 20/20.


When someone else blames you for their transgressions..


Ask me why I apologize for everything?
Oh I’m so sorry.
Walking on eggshells.


Do you know what it means when I say I would do anything?
Do you know how it feels to be left wondering?
Is there anything more I could have done.
Being broken is so tricky,
Hurting others when your hurt yourself is way to easy,
But I understand completely.


Tell me?


Do you know what it means to look in the mirror and wonder what more you can change to make yourself new?
To just be someone new?
When someone steals so many pieces you have to rebuild.
Tell me is it true?
That eventually the hurt will go away?
That someday maybe I’ll love again?
Tell me do you feel guilty?
For stealing something so precious from me?
When you try so hard to make someone else happy?
you forget yourself, and now piece after piece is being ripped away.


Do you know what it means to be destroyed?
To have to fight to look the loved ones you have left in the eyes?


Tell me,


Do you know what it means to truly feel not enough,
You did everything you could but it was just too tough.
I wonder if you can ever be unbroken..
I’ll leave what I see in the mirror unspoken.
It’s too late to take it back but I’ll keep working,
Towards a future won’t look back.


Tell me,


Have you ever said a goodbye that hurt so bad.
Did you ever think that you would be this sad?
I was naive.


Tell me?


Do you understand?
What it means to tell yourself nothing else just breathe.
When every thought makes you count four seven six,
Begging your brain just stay focused.


Well tell me?


why I can’t even think of you without this pain in my chest and this lump in my throat,
Feeling like I’m sinking but I know I’m still afloat.


Tell me..


Have you ever been broken..


Do you know what it means to be broken?

Written and owned by D3licat3